Part Three

More selections from the cell phone text message archives. It would appear that everyone I know has a filthy mouth, and a filthy mind. I’m so lucky! Part One and Part Two can be found here.

G night farty Anus!!

Alex is meditating and I just farted.

Just hang in there and tell yourself ‘He’s not always right’ and then imagine him in his underwear.

You don’t know my life!

You’re a whore!

Give Max an extra one for me.

I am aware and unafraid my slutty friend.

U are slut-terrific.
U r sluttier than a Tom Cruise movie
U are sluttier than Paris Hilton in jail

Can’t believe I’ve seen so much of Lohan’s vagina online.

Do babies and little kids sweat?
Yes, they sweat jam and honey from their armpits.

Go home to whore island you smelly pirate hooker

You have man boobs

Who threw that ham?

There’s no crying in baseball
Only in cabs
And the street. Damn it.

Ur ass oozes summer magic

Nothing says terrorism quite like the muzac version of the friends theme song

Makes me sad that you’re missing these beautiful days

Omigod Benjamin gobbard I love you. I’m totally your #1 fan!

Ok. The eagle has landed and I can smell the toilet.

I am so getting myself a frappucino right now. Slurpies!! Slurp.

Chickenfucker

Superman is totally gay dude.

I will try and have them crack my back.

Don’t look at the sleeping pigeon on your way down the hill. It is disgusting.

It is very lonely here without you. It all feels kinda empty. I don’t like it –one- bit.

DO NOT FREAK OUT ABOUT STUPID SHIT.

I have more power…

Wow. That was bad. I walked out. That was worse than Crow Part 2.

I could not imagine a more boring channel. Maybe WGGHD. Watch grass grow High Def.

Not having a gate for a plane that was circling for over an hour? I think that storm is called incompetence.

I have some stupid woman next to me who is babbling on the phone. About to attack.

Drunk. At home.

I fucking hate bus people
Whatever bus..
Your mom rides the bus.
Batard Ugly Shit equal BUS
What Satre got wrong is that the people weren’t trapped in a room which was their self made relity. They were trapped on the 51 Bus.
This is BUSting my balls
I am too BUSy for this shit
This Bustard driver is making me nuts
Diane arBUS would not approve
I wonder if airbus makes a better plane

Just me sending you a kiss!

I just took a big poo. Thinking of you.

You’re not crazy… You DO have a moustache.

The day a dream came true

Max and Melissa and I went to hear Augusten Burroughs speak at the new Bloomingdales mall on Saturday. He read from Running With Scissors, which will be coming out as a feature film in the next few weeks. He answered some Q&A, and then offered to sign anything people wanted. Thanks to Melissa’s stealthy maneuver, we ended up 4th and 5th in line. Luckily this didn’t give me long to think about or freak out about meeting him. I had prepared a small gift for him: a copy of my latest book project, and a printout of my last post about him. We were asked to fill out our name on a post-it for him, so ensure correct spelling. I just put ‘The Penguin”. When we were finally face to face, he laughed and asked, ‘Are you the penguin?’ And despite mustering all my thoughts to keeping it cool, I gushed. And I gushed hard. I gave him his gift, and told him that he holds a very special place in my heart, and we talk about him at home all the time. He looked up, smiled, and asked, ‘Really?’ I hope this stuck, because I really meant it, but didn’t want it to come across as crazy-stalker talk. It was honestly a fantastic moment, and I was floating on cloud9 for a good hour or two afterwards.

Thanks big fancy new mall down the street – you made a dream come true, and I didn’t even have to buy anything.

Melissa went first

Handing over the gift.

Chatting

Gushing

Treasured forever

Like a long lost friend

Coming back to the blog to write after a long hiatus is not unlike running into an old friend in the supermarket. Initially there is excitement, and an unexplainable desire to reminisce about what was good before. And then you start to remember the unpleasantries – why you lost track in the first place. It was so much work. Keeping a blog is so much work. It may not seem that way to the reader, but a lot of time is spent writing these posts, making sure the images are bright enough in Photoshop, uploading the videos to a place that wont take you a lifetime to download and watch. It’s a real investment of time.

Having said all that, there is no fancy reason why I haven’t blogged in almost a month. I honestly just haven’t felt like it. I love reading blogs, and do so almost daily, but it truly is an artform. And sometimes the well just runs dry.

To commemorate the return, I will list 10 things of interest since the last post.

1. I saw Russell Crowe cry on television at the Steve Irwin memorial.
2. Sean Penn’s new movie is tanking at the box office, and I haven’t seen it yet.
3. A new mall opened up down the street from our place. Despite trying to avoid it, I had to go in, and was amazed by how cool it was. I now have fantasies of going back in and actually looking around.
4. My brother accepted a job on the east coast, and he and Megan are moving back.
5. Ben started dating someone named Andy. Not like Raggedy, but like Warhol.
6. Ashley and I tried to have our first real crit meeting since grad school with some people, and no one showed up.
7. While sitting on a bench on Angel Island, a huge deer ran out of the woods and into a crowded area. I was able to capture this with my camera.
8. I saw Billy Bragg live, and it was one of the best shows I’ve seen in 5 years. I am in love with his music right now.
9. Max made me this amazing vegan calzone type thing, stuffed with pear, dates and hazelnuts. It had no sugar in it either. And was one of the best baked treats I’ve had this year.
10. I started speaking openly about my interest in doing the project where I walk from San Francisco to Los Angeles. And no one laughed at me.