For my birthday last year, I decided the new mantra would be ‘Less Drama’. The final months of grad school had felt like the eye of a hurricane, and I felt like I was spinning out of control. My migraines were escalating, and things felt totally unstable. All my own fault of course-my tendency to worry and obsess about everything. Even the small things that don’t matter. And I was so unhealthy. I had been so unhealthy for so long. Eating food that wasn’t good for me. Eating things just to keep myself going, but not really sustaining myself with any thought. Just shoveling it down, and lots of it. This was definitely part in parcel with the worrying. And I wasn’t moving much at all. Taking the bus. Riding the cable car up the hill. Sitting in front of the laptop day after day. It was not an unusual story. But at the end of November last year, as my 30th birthday rolled around, I suddenly realized that all these ‘temporary behaviors’ had morphed into my lifestyle. And I was certain that this is not who I wanted to be, nor was it who I envisioned I would be as a child.
That day Max had to go into work, and I went with Ben and Jose to have lunch in Potrero Hill. I remember after waking up, Jose came into the bedroom with a video camera. He wanted to document the day and make a DVD for me once back in New York. I remember feeling depressed and ill from yet another migraine. After repeatedly hiding from the camera and his questions, he started to back off and put the camera away. I felt bad because I knew this was supposed to be my day – a day where I could be happy and free and do anything I wanted. Instead I felt like crawling into a hole and hiding. And I think they could sense that. At lunch they both asked me what was wrong, and I tried to explain how I was feeling, but did a really shitty job of it. I was also missing Max’s company, and didn’t want to say that. After lunch I took them to the gallery and showed them my solo show at Ampersand. Bruno greeted us so nicely. He gave me a necklace, and commented on how good he thought the show was to the guys. He wouldn’t know it, but those words meant so much to me, and finally started to break the sad spell. It was like hearing a positive word from someone who didn’t have to say this because they knew me or loved me. Someone who truly came into my life through knowing my work, and genuinely feeling a connection to it. Bruno always makes me feel better about my life as an artist.
By hitting this low, I finally kicked my own ass into gear and made some changes. I started seeing an acupuncturist regularly, and changed my diet drastically by cutting out wheat, sugar and animal products. I joined a gym and started moving my body regularly. I stopped watching tv and sitting in front of the laptop everyday. I was also able to calm down and enjoy my studio. It was finally mine – with my name on the lease. When I initially moved in, I was subletting from someone, who never shared that subletting wasn’t allowed. For months I was in there trying to negotiate being added to the lease with a bitch that was stringing me along. She finally moved out, and right after my birthday the lease was transferred to me. And I started living with less drama.
Fast forward one year later. Things are much better. The migraines are gone. The diet remains intact, with the exception of eating out and the occasional gourmet meal made by Max or Erik. I am 25 pounds lighter, and continue to go visit the gym regularly. And most importantly, I am still trying to live with less drama. Max’s problems with his back certainly gave us a scare, but it seems he will recover long term. These moments test your resolve and help shape who you are, and how you handle the bumps in the road. I could have gone down the road of hysterics, but instead we were very quiet and thoughtful about the whole thing. For this, I am proud of us. And then of course there is little Grady. Opening up the heart and the home to animal energy has been so amazing. In the twelve years we have been together, this is our first pet. In this first month alone, he has brought so much love and laughter into our lives – it’s amazing.
And now it is almost 2007. Unreal.
The mantra continues, and I am adding ‘Be Free’. This is my desire. I want to be free of financial debt from all my studies, free of the fear to say no, free to be in the studio more, free to travel and explore, free to be spend more time with Max, free to commit more time to my projects (including this blog).
I hope everyone had a nice Chrismakkuh. Thanks to Max for the ginger cookie from Miette. These little treats are so thoughtful.
I am sending my love to all of the special people in my life. You know who you are. I wish you all the same freedom for your endeavors in the coming year as well.
Make Me Happy | 
December 26, 2006 6:35 pm | 
Comments (0) 
